Irish Public Library

Cat wins Nobel Prize in Literature

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Renowned poet and cat, Whiskers O'Hanlon, made history today becoming the first cat to be named a Nobel Laureate in Literature for his collection of work entitled "1000 Whispers in the Night."

Reached for comment, O'Hanlon said he hoped the decision would pave the way for more acceptance of felines in the international arts community.

Whiskers O'Hanlon is fifty five years old and resides in Plymouth, New Hampshire with his human wife and four children. His passions include paragliding and equestrianism..

Great Names Explained

Honore de Balzac (pictured left)

Meaning of his name: "Honour the Ballsack"

Chapter 2: Pirates on the Horizon!

"Pirates on the fartboard bow!"

Those 5 simple words are enough to turn any sailor's blood cold with fear. Captain Jamboree Muldoon, however, was not just any sailor. The moment those dreaded words were bellowed by a sailor high upon the masts that clear afternoon off the coast of Hamburger Island, Muldoon sprung into action, yelling commands to his men and spinning the great wooden helm of the mighty wooden frigate so that he could face the approaching pirate ship head on.

"Captain! If we keep this course, we're sure to collide with these rogues!" warned Muldoon's skipper, a young lad by the name of Finnbar Lerouge, waving his cheeseburger frantically.

"That's precisely what I intend on doing young whippersnapper," replied Muldoon, biting firmly down on his corncob pipe and staring hard at the approaching pirate vessel.

Lerouge froze for a moment as the older captain's words sank in. Collide with the pirate vessel! This was madness!

Muldoon gently took the cheeseburger from Lerouge's hand before continuing.

"A pirate's great weakness is that he only knows how to attack a weak opponent. Defence is an entirely different matter for a pirate," and with that, Muldoon popped young Lerouge's entire cheeseburger into his mouth and began shouting more orders at the sailors nearby. Because he was now giving orders with an entire cheeseburger in his mouth, no one could understand what he was trying to say. More troubling was the fact that he didn't seem to care. He simply continued to bellow unintelligible orders while spraying small pieces of cheeseburger onto his men.

The two ships collided with a great crack and Captain Muldoon was killed instantly by the impact.

All told, 194 men of the Good Ship Finnegan died that day. 14 in battle, the rest from mollusk poisoning. This tragedy happened all because of a single cheeseburger. A wonderful, terrible cheeseburger. And a Captain named Jamboree Muldoon.

Chapter 1: The Sea Captain's Revenge


Salt from the sea air stung the captain's nose as he stood off the port bow. His ship, 'Cheeseburgers in Paradise,' was indeed a mammoth schooner. It was day 697 at sea and the chase was beginning to intensify.

"I know you're out there--" the captain said to himself.

"I will not rest until I have you in my hands." He continued.

As a boy growing up on the coast of county Kerry, the then young sea captain had always heard tall tales of hidden treasure in far away lands or exotic islands, but one particular legend never left the captain's head and was single handedly responsible for his chosen profession; the legend of the fountain of cheeseburgers.


Never would he nor his family ever have to eat seafood again; the countless hours spent in the washroom beside the toilet heaving up that night's oyster dish would be a thing of the past. But for now, the dream had to be put on hold. It had been over two years at sea, searching, scouring, puking, crying, almost to the point of giving up. The sea captain walked back down into his quarters in the hull of the ship to write in his memoires;


Day 697:


My Dearest Gertrude,


No sign of the fountain yet; I thought we found it once we anchored off the coast of Tarzana, but alas, it was a family of hedgehogs. Gertrude, I promise that one day I will find this treasure that we have dreamed of and we shall eat like royalty for the rest of our lives. In the meantime Gertrude, please eat from the barrel of mollusks I have left for you. How is our son doing? Does he still have scurvy? Try feeding him some more Mollusks....We are heading towards a small island off the coast of Fiji now, I will write again once we get settled there. Hopefully this bottle reaches you before the next one, otherwise the order is all messed up and it could get weird....goodmorrow to you.

Regards,

The Sea Captain

The story of the captain and his crew's adventure on the small island near Fiji is an obscure one; no written account of their deaths has been found, however, there are various versions of what happened:


Some say the captain and his men found the fountain of cheeseburgers and ate themselves to death; others have said their demise was an attack from the local native tribes; however, the most likely case, based on physical evidence, was that the captain and crew members died of Mollusk poisoning.

Burgerdier and Commander's Mystical Tales of the Sea

Table of Contents

Introduction by Captain Mikers McMikerson: My Travels on the Seven Seas

Chapter 1: The Sea Captain's Revenge

Chapter 2: Pirates on the Horizon!

Chapter 3: Shiver Me Timbers!

Chapter 4: Shipwrecked!

Chapter 5: Captain Fitzgerald and the Case of the Haunted Schooner

Chapter 6: A "Whale" of a Tale
Chapter 7: To the Depths of the Sea!
Chapter 8: The Perilous Voyage
Chapter 9: 99 Days at Sea
Afterward by Captain Jojo Larkin: The Future of Seacraft