Monday, March 29, 2010
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Saint Patrick: Patron Saint of Liars
"Saint Patrick: An Englishman credited with chasing the snakes out of Ireland. Scientists have confirmed that there never were any snakes in Ireland. In any case, the audacity of this man's boldfaced lie captured the hearts and minds of an entire people, and planted the seeds for what would become two of Ireland's major global exports: lies and liars."(From "Burgerdier and Commander's Big Book of Interesting Facts", page 453)
Monday, March 22, 2010
Irish Bike Trick
Sympathy is an Irishman's best friend. He will go to great lengths to get it. Even this.
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Honore de Balzac (pictured left)I FEEL SO ALIVE!
I FEEL SO ALIVE!
(The Burgerdier General and Commander in Cheese indulge in an afternoon spin in one of their miatas.)
Cheeseburger Mansion
Sunday afternoons at the Cheeseburger Mansion compound--On the seventh day God created the Mazda Miata.
Friday, March 19, 2010
Weddings By The Burger Bros
Add a slice of magic to your special day. Hire the Burger Bros to plan the perfect cheeseburger-themed wedding. For a free consultation, please send inquiries via carrier pigeon to Burger Bros Wedding Planning c/o Cheeseburger Mansion
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Lest We Forget.
Gentlemen, this is your enemy.Dedicated to the soldiers of the Hotdog-Cheeseburger War (1886-1895)
Your sacrifice was not in vain
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Chapter 2: Pirates on the Horizon!"Pirates on the fartboard bow!"
Those 5 simple words are enough to turn any sailor's blood cold with fear. Captain Jamboree Muldoon, however, was not just any sailor. The moment those dreaded words were bellowed by a sailor high upon the masts that clear afternoon off the coast of Hamburger Island, Muldoon sprung into action, yelling commands to his men and spinning the great wooden helm of the mighty wooden frigate so that he could face the approaching pirate ship head on.
"Captain! If we keep this course, we're sure to collide with these rogues!" warned Muldoon's skipper, a young lad by the name of Finnbar Lerouge, waving his cheeseburger frantically.
"That's precisely what I intend on doing young whippersnapper," replied Muldoon, biting firmly down on his corncob pipe and staring hard at the approaching pirate vessel.
Lerouge froze for a moment as the older captain's words sank in. Collide with the pirate vessel! This was madness!
Muldoon gently took the cheeseburger from Lerouge's hand before continuing.
"A pirate's great weakness is that he only knows how to attack a weak opponent. Defence is an entirely different matter for a pirate," and with that, Muldoon popped young Lerouge's entire cheeseburger into his mouth and began shouting more orders at the sailors nearby. Because he was now giving orders with an entire cheeseburger in his mouth, no one could understand what he was trying to say. More troubling was the fact that he didn't seem to care. He simply continued to bellow unintelligible orders while spraying small pieces of cheeseburger onto his men.
The two ships collided with a great crack and Captain Muldoon was killed instantly by the impact.
All told, 194 men of the Good Ship Finnegan died that day. 14 in battle, the rest from mollusk poisoning. This tragedy happened all because of a single cheeseburger. A wonderful, terrible cheeseburger. And a Captain named Jamboree Muldoon.
Chapter 1: The Sea Captain's RevengeSalt from the sea air stung the captain's nose as he stood off the port bow. His ship, 'Cheeseburgers in Paradise,' was indeed a mammoth schooner. It was day 697 at sea and the chase was beginning to intensify.
"I know you're out there--" the captain said to himself.
"I will not rest until I have you in my hands." He continued.
As a boy growing up on the coast of county Kerry, the then young sea captain had always heard tall tales of hidden treasure in far away lands or exotic islands, but one particular legend never left the captain's head and was single handedly responsible for his chosen profession; the legend of the fountain of cheeseburgers.
Never would he nor his family ever have to eat seafood again; the countless hours spent in the washroom beside the toilet heaving up that night's oyster dish would be a thing of the past. But for now, the dream had to be put on hold. It had been over two years at sea, searching, scouring, puking, crying, almost to the point of giving up. The sea captain walked back down into his quarters in the hull of the ship to write in his memoires;
Day 697:
My Dearest Gertrude,
No sign of the fountain yet; I thought we found it once we anchored off the coast of Tarzana, but alas, it was a family of hedgehogs. Gertrude, I promise that one day I will find this treasure that we have dreamed of and we shall eat like royalty for the rest of our lives. In the meantime Gertrude, please eat from the barrel of mollusks I have left for you. How is our son doing? Does he still have scurvy? Try feeding him some more Mollusks....We are heading towards a small island off the coast of Fiji now, I will write again once we get settled there. Hopefully this bottle reaches you before the next one, otherwise the order is all messed up and it could get weird....goodmorrow to you.
Regards,
The Sea Captain
The story of the captain and his crew's adventure on the small island near Fiji is an obscure one; no written account of their deaths has been found, however, there are various versions of what happened:
Some say the captain and his men found the fountain of cheeseburgers and ate themselves to death; others have said their demise was an attack from the local native tribes; however, the most likely case, based on physical evidence, was that the captain and crew members died of Mollusk poisoning.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Friday, March 12, 2010
The Burger Bed: Sleep never tasted so good
Important Notice: There are 14 Burger Beds within the walls of Cheeseburger Mansion. All 14 are edible and therefore they must be replaced every single night for health and safety purposes. Please note that the Commander in Cheese's Burger Bed is to be smothered with ketchup and mustard. The Burgerdier General's burger bed, on the other hand, is to be smothered in Heinz tomato ketchup only. No mustard.
Guests who are invited to share the beds of either the Commander in Cheese or the Burgerdier General are NOT permitted to consume any part of the bed unless given specific instructions by either the Commander in Cheese or the Burgerdier General.
Thank you for your understanding.
Dream on Wheels
1989 Mazda Miata-It's a privilege not a right
New members of the mansion are NOT permitted to drive any of the 1989 Mazda Miatas that are on the compound, unless they are escorting either the Burgerdier General or Commander in Cheese around town.
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Burgerdier and Commander's Mystical Tales of the Sea
Table of Contents
Introduction by Captain Mikers McMikerson: My Travels on the Seven Seas
Chapter 1: The Sea Captain's Revenge
Chapter 2: Pirates on the Horizon!
Chapter 3: Shiver Me Timbers!
Chapter 4: Shipwrecked!
Chapter 5: Captain Fitzgerald and the Case of the Haunted Schooner
Chapter 6: A "Whale" of a Tale
Chapter 7: To the Depths of the Sea!
Chapter 8: The Perilous Voyage
Chapter 9: 99 Days at Sea
Afterward by Captain Jojo Larkin: The Future of Seacraft
Chapter 7: To the Depths of the Sea!
Chapter 8: The Perilous Voyage
Chapter 9: 99 Days at Sea
Afterward by Captain Jojo Larkin: The Future of Seacraft
Ya... Irish
Independent panels of scientists from across the globe have come to the unanimous conclusion that, based on this photograph, there is a 91.764 percent chance that the driver of this vehicle is of Irish descent.
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